Wednesday, October 31, 2007

No Halloween for Me

I'm sorry to disappoint everyone, but there will be no Halloween for me this year. I'm making a semi-emergency trip to New York this evening so there will be no slutty-candy happiness. And, OK, actually, there wasn't going to be any Major Tease or Texas Hold 'Em anyway. I generally struggle with showing an appropriate amount of cleavage, so Halloween isn't much of a novelty for me. By way of example, I present the following pictures.

The first picture is a dress I ordered. Notice how it looks perfectly normal on line.

The second (rather poorly shot) picture is this dress as it appears on me.

You may notice how the dress takes on a slightly unintended pornographic look when I wear it.

The last time I participated in Halloween, I went as an Oracle and wore a non-slutty toga (left over from my high school Latin days - don't ask) and carried a magic eight ball. When, after explaining my costume, and the 200th drunken guy replied "Well I see you in my pants" I pretty much decided I was altogether over Halloween.

However, Halloween is one of the High Holidays for the gays, and in that spirit of celebration, I went with my gays (ok, really just EZ and his friends) last night to see the D.C. High Heel Race. This is where the drag queens kick of the Halloween festivities by running two blocks in full drag. It lasts for all of 20 seconds, but it is pretty hillarious to see a throng of drag queens wobbling down the street at full tilt.

Best Costume? A drag queen pushing a Larry Craig look-a-like on a toilet. Priceless.


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Thursday, October 25, 2007

AISL Weekend Edition: Help Me Choose my Halloween Costume

Ah Halloween. The time that every girl rifles through her underwear to create a "costume". But really, I'm tired of being a "sexy" witch, or a "sexy" devil. It's time to go as something new and startling, and also possibly slightly less related to Halloween. Won't you please help me decide?

Behold this little number known as Major Tease. When I support our troops, I like to do it with an underwire bra and spandex! And what a deal at $52.99 - it even comes with the jaunty hat and canteen.

Who knew inviting a Tailhook-style raping could be this much fun?!

What could say "I abhor the vestiges of slavery" more than Southern Belle Sexy Adult? Let's relive one of the most contentious times in our nation's history - and show a little skin while we're at it! Demure on top, pure southern belle on the bottom - the website even says "This southern beauty is not going to give you bad hospitality."

Could have only been more offensive if the model had been black.

Goodbye Sherlock Holmes, hello Inspector Adult! According to the website, "She's out searching for clues that will lead to the fun!!"

By that they mean, she can't offer any sort of Holmesian insights, but she's probably investigated some business - if you get my drift.

And last but not least, allow me to present Texas Hold 'Em. You know what's funny? Getting groped! Show the guys at the party just how funny - and how easy - you are with this hillarious costume!

Can also serve as a "how-to" for that really, really drunk-special- guy in your life.

Let me know which you think suits me best - after all, I'm a girl, and god knows I can't make a decision without input from at least 15 people!

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Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Things Thag and I Think Are Funny But Nobody Else Does

The other day I was staring blankly at my blog thinking to myself perhaps I should hang up my spurs. Or my keyboard. Or whatever bloggers hang up. I was feeling things were getting stale, mainly because I have so little going on right now in my life I have few stories to relate - I mean, it's been at least four weeks since I've been pooped on. This has left me only the ability to comment on the more banal aspects of pop culture. And let's face it, there's a whole bunch of people who are better at it than me - and you're on my blogroll.

So long story long, I was thinking of quitting or perhaps going on hiatus for a while. But then The Guv'ner awarded me the I'm Fabulous award (one of five worthy of the honor). And then I thought to myself, no, Yay though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I shall gird my loins and continue the good fight. So without further ado, I bring a string of
random nonsense that I find amusing. Enjoy. Or don't. Screw you - I'm fabulous.

*Ikea - I love to buy stuff from Ikea, not just the furniture items, but the useless throw away items like paper napkins and bamboo skewers because they've got fun names like "Splarg!" and "Lartf!" Ok, so I don't know the actual names, but the fun comes in when I just make up a name and ask my roomates about it. For example, I'll point to the empty paper napkin holder and say "Hey guys, do we have any Splarg! left?" Then I laugh to myself, while my roommates, EZ and Tiny, look at me with disgust and mild amusement respectively.

*John Basedow - I must see his ad at least 20 times a day. And yet, it never ceases to amuse me. Never. His insane frosted locks. The fact that even though he's ridiculously sculpted, he still seems to give off the vibe of a 98 pound weakling. His terrible Hulk Hogan inspired wardrobe. The incredibly low production value of his television ads - please take special notice of the fact that all the cheap graphics are squished as the person who designed them didn't know about the differences in pixel output from computer to TV (on the computer they are square - on the TV they are rectangles so you have to adjust). I sometimes even find myself singing his insane little theme song: "Fitness maaaaade siiiiiiiiiiim-ple". I almost made Tiny crazy on the metro the other day humming it.

*Aerogarden - Good god, have you seen this thing?! It's amazing. It's "the world's first indoor smart garden - It's so easy to use that anyone, with or without gardening experience can grow lush, beautiful gardens right in your home!" If you've got one of these things you have a very serious commitment to growing your own herbs. Really, I think the thing is meant for pot heads to grow their own special herb, but hey, I'm not here to judge. And seriously, if I had $150+ dollars to throw down a hole and the space for an indoor garden I would so have one of these. EZ and Tiny have completely forbidden me from engaging in this foolishness, but don't think I haven't thought about it. Specifically about all places in the house where I could conceal a 16" long by 10 1/2" wide by 15 1/2" high herb garden.

*Hanging Chads - So I have a friend named Chad, and the Halloween after Al Gore lost/won the presidency I tried to convince him to go as a "Hanging Chad" for Halloween. What would this costume have consisted of?
1) a noose draped around his neck
2) a "HELLO my name is CHAD" nametag

I also suggested "Dimpled Chad" if he didn't want to fully commit.

Thag and I thought it was brilliant.

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Monday, October 22, 2007

Not Enough People Have Watched This

Bored? Sad? At work? Then you need to run over to The Idea of Progress and watch Don't Make A War which I swear to you is the greatest thing since Color me Badd or Milli Vanilli.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

The Writers of "My Little Pony" Present...Fantastic 4: Rise of The Silver Surfer

At my Giant (grocery store) there is a large red $1 movie kiosk. It's where I indulge my love of bad bad films. Unless, of course, I see them first on cable. This kiosk has given me so many gems -like Catch and Release, The Number 23, and Because I Said so - stinkers everyone. But I don't think any of these quite rose to the level of Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (FFROTSS).

I knew this film would be bad, but I didn't realize it would be quite so spectacularly bad. The other films from the $1 kiosk played out more or less the way I expected, but in FFROTSS I was expecting the plot arc to be the brain child of a 15 year old boy - you know - fighting, explosions, and Jessica Alba tramping around in spandex. The first two I enjoy, the last one I can live with.

But alack! Alas! The film seems to have made some sort of attempt to appeal to 14 year old girls, and thereby become a pointless meandering disaster that makes Transformers seem like a Pinter play. What am I talking about? Primarily the fact that whole damn film centers around Jessica Alba's impending nuptials to (the very tasty) Ioan Gruffud.
All she talks about in the whole film is:

*her wedding
*how she wants to have a normal wedding
*her future family with Mr. Fantastic
*how she wants them to have a normal family without having to go off and save the planet all the time.

Jesus, I'm a girl and I can't imagine spending that much thought on my own wedding, much less the wedding of a fictitious superhero. I mean, she can turn invisible and her fiance is made of plastic and the best the writers can do is 90 minutes stolen from the Wedding Planner? Bleah. There are only two wedding movies that exist in my universe: Four Weddings and a Funeral (although death to Andie MacDowell) and Muriel's Wedding. Since FFROTSS is none of these it should kindly take itself to the garage, turn on the car and have the decency to snuff itself out.

The wedding plotline is made worse by the fact that the screenwriters completely dispensed with the idea from the first film that Jessica Alba's character is some sort of scientist. There's no mention of science, she doesn't do anything sciencey, but at one point she accidentally loses her clothes - hillarious!

Ok, so it goes without saying that she's mere eye candy lacking in any sort of gravitas whatsoever, but still, this is supposed to be a movie about superheroes, not Betty Crocker circa 1954. To bring it all home, at one point Ioan Gruffud/Mr. Fantastic is having a pissing contest with general Andre Broughard and proclaims something asinine like "Well, I'm engaged to the hottest woman on the planet". Oh for shame, FFROTSS! I was embarassed for you.

And what of the silver surfer? Honestly, he's kind of peripheral to the wedding. He just some guy from another planet (a silverly planet perhaps?) who shows up to drill holes in the Earth with his surf board so it will explode and the evil entity stolen from The Fifth Element can eat it thereby totally ruining the wedding (oh and kind of ending all life on earth). The SS is voiced by Laurence Fishburn aka Morpheus who doesn't seem to be getting much work these days.

Everytime he would talk I'd just think: Jesus, I want the red pill, because if the Matrix involves this movie, I want out.


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Wednesday, October 17, 2007

If I Were An Animal, I'd Be a Lamerhead Shark

God, I love being tagged! It makes me feel like the non-fat kid in P.E. Like I've been picked first to be on the all star badminton team.

In this case, The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch (who was first tagged by Chris) has in turn tagged me to share 5 things about myself do, did or like that some may consider “totally lame,” but that I am totally proud of.

I smacked down a guy at oral argument in my first year of law school. As part of my legal writing class we had to deliver an oral argument of our appellate brief. The guy I was going up against was pretty poised and also doing much, much better in school than I was. I figured he would take me out with ninja-like ease. But ah...overconfidence. He had no idea what to do and hadn't prepared at all; I somehow made a great argument or at least managed to get my points across. The judges let it be known that I conquered. Guess grades aren't everything.

2.) I love sci-fi. There I said it. Star Trek, Star Wars, geek geek geek, nerd nerd nerd.

3.) I am the kitchen nazi. Or so my roommates tell me. I like to cook, and I pretty much cook for the three of us every night (unless like two weeks ago I've had toe surgery and my foot is numb) and I am totally in command of the whole enterprise. I am the alpha chef and perhaps a tad of a control freak. So much so in fact that my friends independently told me about this New York Times article about alpha chefs and how two of them can't marry. I hardly think that is my biggest problem. But I think it's cool because I taught myself to cook and am pretty good at it if I do say so.

4.) I love to read in the bathtub. I think I saw it once on a commercial as a kid or something, but every since I was little I've always loved running a super hot bath, and grabbing a good book. Recent additions have included a glass of wine or other adult beverage.

5.) I performed a monologue in the Vagina Monologues. My friend was producing this particular performance to benefit a battered women's shelter. I promised to help out behind the scenes - she insisted that I perform. I am not the performing type and am far more comfortable behind the scenes, not to mention the last thing I ever wanted to do was talk about vaginas - mine or otherwise - publicly. But my friend finally convinced me to do the monologue and come performance night I was so nervous I needed two drinks before I went on. What makes it not lame? Pretty much all of my friends - and actually most of them were my guy friends - came to the performance in support and after I did my monologue I got a standing ovation. And the performance as a whole was one of the top grossing performances in the country. Pretty much one of the best moments ever.

Part of the being tagged deal is that I also have to tag 5 people of my own.

Tagged: Grant Miller, Idea of Progress, Pistols at Dawn, Nina Paley, Justin (Seven is Green)

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Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Shoutout To My Peeps in Dubai

For those of you interested in what's up in Dubai, two friends of mine from law school (a couple) are working/living the dream. You can catch up with them here.

I really love reading about the food. Oh, and the whitey tax.

I can't wait to hear about the club scene.

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Monday, October 15, 2007

Pancakes of Death! Courtesy of My Mom.

Ah, Mom.

I love how every email you send is in 24 point colored type. But for once you have sent me an email warning that turns out to be true. Behold:

WARNING ABOUT Pancake Mix (and other boxed mixes)

(may be you already know this, I DID NOT !!)

Talk about frightening...

Throw away ALL OUTDATED! pancake mix you have in your home, PLEASE! If you don't believe me, read this article and then follow the 'Link' below to SNOPES. Sorry to be the Grim Reaper of bad news, but I would rather have you ALIVE, besides a $2.00 box of pancake mix is NOT worth your life.

P. S. You might want to tell this to your children, grandchildren, nephews, nieces and anyone else who keeps pancake mix in the cupboard.



From Snopes:
I recently made a batch of pancakes for my healthy 14-year-old son, using a mix that was in our pantry. He said that they tasted "funny," but ate them anyway. About 10 minutes later, he began having difficulty breathing and his lips began turning purple. I gave him his allergy pill, had him sit on the sofa and told him to relax. He was wheezing while inhaling and exhaling.

My husband, a volunteer Firefighter and EMT , heated up some water, and we had my son lean over the water so the steam could clear his chest and sinuses. Soon, his breathing became more regular and his lips returned to a more normal color. We checked the date on the box of pancake mix and, to my dismay, found it was very outdated.

As a reference librarian at an academic institution, I have the ability to search through many research databases. I did just that, and found an article the next day that mentioned a 19-year-old male DYING after eating pancakes made with outdated mix. Apparently, the mold that forms in old pancake mix can be toxic!

When we told our friends about my son's close call, we were surprised at the number of people who mentioned that they should check their own pancake mix since they don't use it often, or they had purchased it some time ago. With so many people shopping at warehouse-type stores and buying large sizes of pancake mix, I hope your readers will take the time to check the expiration date on their boxes.

Also, beware of outdated Bisquick, cake, brownie and cookie mixes.

PASS IT ON! This is TRUE --Check it out!

However, one thing that has been omitted from this paranoid posting: you are really only going to have a problem if you have a mold allergy. You know, the same way being stung by a bee will only kill a person who is allergic to being stung by bees.

You know what would be awesome though? Prince pancakes.

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Saturday, October 13, 2007

More Commentary From My Mother

My mom, as previously noted, is generous in sharing her email wisdom. Behold today's gem:

During these troubled times people of all faiths should
remember these four fundamental religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of
the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

Personally, I think number 4 should say "Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store," but that's just based on EZ's stories. And since we're speaking of religion, why don't we see what Ann Coulter has to say on the subject?


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Friday, October 12, 2007

Things I Could Do Without

We here at AISL have been engaged in a lot of feelings as of late. As a general rule, we do not engage in feelings. So with that said, we felt it was time to get back to our roots, get our hate on, and put the "loathing" back into Adventures in Self-Loathing.

Therefore, without further ado, I present to you my hate list or things I could do without:

E-Harmony Commercials

Every time that smug little jazz tune starts playing and that old man (who looks like he's never been laid) begins talking, it's all I can do not to let Thag rip the plug out of the socket and smash the TV on the floor. Jesus, it's been like ten years - get a new bloody song. Equally - no, I retract that - far, far more nauseating are the smug "real" couples that star in the ads. If these people aren't an inspiration for mediocrity I don't know what is. Look at these sad sacks. Love never looked more meaningless or boring.

My Crappy Movie Channels

It's a sad fact that I can't afford premium movie channels, instead I have access to the Love Movie Network, Plex, Encore, and Mystery. It seemed that while I was studying for the bar all sorts of movies that I wanted to watch were available on these crappy movie channels. Now that I'm done all that seems to be on is Another Stakeout, Blade (at least 7 times a day), and The Legend of Zorro (or Zorro Dos as I like to think of it). With choices like these, I ended up watching Hackers the other day. I remember thinking to myself "it blew when it came out, wonder how much it sucks now?" If you're unfamiliar with this screen gem from 1995 the title pretty much says it all: disaffected youth hackers (namely Johnny Lee Miller and a muy young Angelina Jolier) take on the man using computers- in the way that only out of touch Hollywood can bring it to you! Computer formulas reflected on the face? Check! Ridiculous clothing that no man, woman or hacker ever wore? Check! Useless "Hacker" tips like how to
use a pay phone for free? Check and Check! The worst part: Ebert actually gave this piece of donkey crap 3 stars. For shame!

The Grocery Store

They've stopped stocking my $0.49 Japanese coffee, the good Indian curry sauce, and Prince cookies (forcing us to buy the Mexican imitation known as Principe).

Why do you make me love products and then take them away? For shame!
I couldn't find a picture of Prince cookies.

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Thursday, October 11, 2007

Once: If You Can Only Stand To See One Romantic Movie Ever This Should be The One

I had a poetry professor who once, when talking about Wuthering Heights, said "For those who like it, nothing else will quite do."

The same can be said of Once.

It's a movie that defies description. For those who insist on categorization, you could call it a musical, but that brings to mind all sorts of mis-characterizations that don't do justice to Once.

It's a film where the music tells an important part of the story like a musical, but without any awkward transitions or more importantly, the choreography and cheesiness. Nor does the film use music as cheap emotional shorthand the way Cameron Crowe uses it - that is, in lieu of dialogue. The feel of the movie reminds me of small parties at my friends who were musicians. Someone picks up a guitar, plays something and everyone sort of joins in or listens.

The two main characters are simply known as "The Guy" and "The Girl". He is a vacuum repairman and performs as a street musician after work. She's an immigrant who cleans houses and sells flowers on the street, but likes to go the music store in her spare time to play the piano. The Guy and the Girl meet cute on the street, but their meeting seems more real than any other movie meeting, as there's a straightforwardness and awkwardness to it that you get in real life.

As the story progresses, it never seems to strain credibility that they communicate best through music, because in large part the story is about things you can't really say. There's a touching scene on the bus where the Girl asks him about his ex, and he grabs his guitar and sings her a country inspired tune about how she cheated on him. It's a perfect scene, and it never for a moment feels forced, although in lesser hands it certainly would be.

Their story is about what could be. He still hasn't recovered from the girlfriend who left him, and the Girl's past in her homeland is catching up with her. In your usual romantic comedy it's never clear why the characters are so afraid of getting hurt as they're rarely well developed enough for us to understand their emotional baggage. In Once, despite the generic names of the characters, their baggage is apparent and realistic and it threatens the happiness of now. And truly, what could be more real than that?

I can imagine that some people will see this film and say "I don't get it." To these people I'd say, just forget about it, because there's nothing to "get". For those to whom this film will appeal, understanding it will be as natural as waking up in the morning.

When I saw the film in the theater, I didn't even try to hide that I cried at the end. Because I knew then that nothing else would quite do.


Addemdum: The characters in the film are a couple in real life and also tour under the names The Frames and The Swell Season. They're on tour this next month in the U.S. if you want to check them out.

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Tuesday, October 09, 2007

I Am a Very Proud Sibling!

My beloved sister, who has recently completed a masters in art and a technical degree in shoe design, has just learned that she has received an internship with Marc Jacobs in New York! For non-fashiony types like myself, Marc Jacobs is one of the premier American fashion design companies.

I am bursting with sibling pride.

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Monday, October 08, 2007

I Am The Pinky, Coo Coo Ka-choo

Today's internet fun is brought to you courtesy of Gifts From A Broad. Please to enjoy this free internet personality test, which describes one as a finger on the hand. Based on this logic, there are only five personalities in the world, which seems to me to be a bit of a conservative estimate. Nevertheless, my finger personality seems more or less accurate, in the way that these are always "accurate".

Laaw-yuhr is:

You Are a Pinky

You are fiercely independent, and possibly downright weird.
A great communicator, you can get along with almost anyone.
You are kind and sympathetic. You support all your friends - and love them for who they are.

You get along well with: The Ring Finger

Stay away from: The Thumb
According to this hand cosmology, will we get along?


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Thursday, October 04, 2007

If Only Mah Heart Could Be Fixt as Easily as Mah Toe

The title to this entry sounds like a country song, don't it?

So you know how some people are afraid of oh, I don't know, turning into their mothers? Well I have a fear of becoming a hypochondriac. Not sure why I have this particular affliction, but I do. Therefore, I'm a fan of walking things off, toughing it out, and just generally waiting until things are ten times worse than they should be. This is why my first year of law school I waited to go to the doctor until I was so sick with the flu that I had a 103 degree fever. Or in this case, I waited until my toe was a painful bleeding mess before going to the podiatrist.

God Bless podiatrists - they are my new golden calf. I am a new woman! I am reborn! My ingrown toenail has been repaired! I shall now be able to go back to wearing hooker-like stilettos to my heart's content. Ok, well not really, because I'm terribly klutzy and I find that after oh... 4 and 1/2 minutes my feet begin to hurt unbearably in said hooker-like stilettos. But I do like wearing moderately tall heels. Since I'm already 5'9", there's nothing like a bit of heel to make me even more imposing - especially since D.C. is the anti-attractive footwear capital of the United States.

But to those of you who advocate practical and unattractive footwear, I bet you're thinking it's my shoe choice that got me into this mess in the first place. Well you are wrong my friend. What caused my problem is the fact that I decided to take up running. I had a sore spot on my toe which became a full on monstrosity due to pounding the pavement.

For those of you who know me in the real world, I'm sure your mouths have dropped to learn I've taken up running. For my virtual friends those reasons would be because I'm:

1) lazy
2) asthmatic
3) lazy
4) have a large rack

As to numbers 1 and 3, since I'm employed only sporadically at this point, I have to do something to pass the time - there's only so much daytime TV a person can watch. As to 2, I do a lot of walking and I use my inhaler; number 4 necessitates the wearing of two bras. I can assure you however the gentlemen of the neighborhood are delighted to see that I've taken up running.

Of course I haven't been running of late because I haven't really been able to walk. So I finally broke down and called the doctor. And in a mere afternoon and after a large does of anesthetic, the doctor removed the offending toenail (thoroughly disgusting, but fascinating to watch none the less).

Hmm, perhaps I'm not so much a hypochondriac as your crazy Aunt Rose who insists on telling you about her gallbladder surgery.

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Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Words of Wisdom from MR KING ULTIMATE

Somehow I seem to have gotten on some sort of "Skanks of MySpace" list.

I guess I should back up a minute and admit that I have both a MySpace and a Facebook account. I hate them, and use them only because I was forced to create a page on each account by my west coast/Dallas friends and my sister respectively. People keep "writing on my wall" and "making me a zombie" and sending me stuff and I really don't quite get what's going on.

I don't understand why everyone can't just use Gmail and Blogger and call it a day. Maybe because there are no animated smiley faces, and a song won't blare at you the second you log onto somebody's page - in short, not enough hoo ha for most people. I'm guess I'm old school because I'm just in it because I like words. But I digress.

The point is that all of a sudden, I've started getting on average two emails A DAY from random men. I know that most of my lady friends get these emails from time to time, but this seems to be more than usual. Maybe all the girls receive them with this frequency, I don't know. I was going to delete my account or make it private or whatever to get myself off the radar, but my sister has begged me not to as the emails that I've received have proved to be so entertaining.

Please behold the following solicitation from one MR. KING ULTIMATE:


1. Ask her to dance.
2.On windy days, brush wayward strands of hair from her eyes and mouth.
3.When shes coming down the street, across the room, or up the stairs to meet you, walk toward her as soon as you see her.
4.Kiss her between her shoulder blades when she turns her back to you to go to sleep.
5.Put your arm around her when you introduce her to your friends and family.
6.Grasp her hand when a scantily dressed, beautiful woman walks by.
7.Call her when youre feeling sad.
8.Kiss her eyelids.
9.Ask to see a picture of her when she was a child.
10.Wash her from head to toe in the shower.
11.If shes crying on the phone, go over to her place. Immediately.
12.Stand her naked on a sturdy chair and lick between her legs.
13.Occasionally call her by her first and middle names.
14.Buy her your favorite album of all time on vinyl.
15.Order coffee for her, remembering exactly how she likes it.
16.Undress her and put her to bed when she falls asleep in the car.
17.Mention your upcoming anniversary before she does.
18.Send her something in the mail. Anything.
19.When shes feeling insecure, stare into her eyes and tell her there is no one in the world who could be as right for you as she is.
20.Call her just before you get on the plane.
21.Pick her clothes up off the floor.
22.Try desperately to make her laugh when shes feeling down.
23.Take her to see your favorite sport live. Pay more attention to her than to the game.
24.Touch her arm when you leave the table to go to the bathroom. Touch her again when you come back.
25.Shave just before you see her. She..ll notice.
26.Hug her when she gets jealous. Hug her hard.
27.Worship her breasts.
28.Give her jewelry.
29.Hand her two towels when she gets out of theshower. (The second one is for her hair.)
30.Ask her specific questions about her work.
31.Keep her favorite cereal on hand.
32.In the middle of a conversation, tell her you love her.
33.Send her very expensive flowers when you screw up.
34.Take her to a cabin with a fireplace. Build her a fire.
35.Moan her name when she goes down on you.
36.Read her a story when its her turn to drive during a long road trip.
37.Offer to fix something in her apartment that you realize is broken.
38.Notice when shes wearing something new.
39.Make love to her standing up, against a wall.
40.Kiss her hand in front of your most die-hard bachelor buddies.
41.If shes too stressed to want sex . . .
a. Draw a bath for her
b. Give her a full-body massage
c. Ask if she wants to wrestle.

You know what I love about this? I love that he didn't personalize a message to me - he just cut this out and pasted it into an email. What you're reading is the entirety of what MR. KING ULTIMATE sent. Presumably he'd like to do these things to me; not that he said as much. I guess he though I'd be so blown away by this very moving email that I would respond immediately with a request for more details on how we could meet!

I also love how he slipped in number 12. My sister is convinced MR. KING ULTIMATE deleted "pick her a flower" or whatever else was there and inserted his own little suggestion. I also like the fact that it's a "sturdy" chair - thick ladies need a sturdy chair.

My sister's boyfriend loves number 13, because the rest of the time you must just be calling her "bitch" or "ho".

With offers like these, who can stop dating?!

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