Friday, November 30, 2007

Requiem for Mayorga's Pumpkin Pie Chai Latte

Good lord, I love pumpkin.

If given a choice between chocolate and pumpkin, I would be hard pressed to decide. That's why the chocolate covered pumpkin truffles created by Godiva are to die for. But I digress.

Today is a sad day. Today the Mayorga coffee house near me has informed me that they will no longer be serving the Pumpkin Pie Chai Latte. I come not to praise the Pumpkin Pie chai latte, but to bury it. Oh, Pumpkin Pie Chai Latte, you were like drinking a pumpkin pie. I watched the barrista make you one day, how she put what looked like pumpkin pie filling into the coffee, how she added the whipcream on top. Oh, sweet deliciousness.

"Why?" I cried out to the barrista when she told me you would be served no more. "Pumpkin should be served through Christmas!"

She shrugged and said "Nevermore".

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Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Just A Thought...

I think it would be so much cooler if the show "Bones" used The Killers song "Bones" in the opening credits instead of the current theme song by The Crystal Method.

I also think the cheesy animation in The Killers video could benefit the show.

Bones v. The Crystal Method: you be the judge.

I don't even like the show; it just comes on before House.

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Monday, November 26, 2007

Oh Internets, How I Have Missed Ye!

I apologize to my five loyal readers for my unexpected hiatus.

Shortly before heading out for the Thanksgiving holiday my Dell experienced its 17th meltdown in the form of the death of the screen and motherboard. Keep in mind that I am now on my second hard drive, second keyboard, and third screen for this little bastard. When the Dell guy came to install all the new hardware, he said "You've had so much replaced, I don't know why they don't just give you a new computer."

Exactly Dell-man. Exactly.

My computer is now a sort of Frankenstein's monster, the only original parts now being the bottom exterior case, and the interchangeable disk/CD drives. However, they do send a Dell guy to your house to fix it, so that's pretty badass. In this case, the Dell-man trekked out to my parent's place in NC to fix my monster. Alas, though it was repaired there are no internets at the NC house, and so it just lay there, sadly, unused, on the dining room table.

So how was everyone's Thanksgiving? Mine came with a fresh supply on North Carolina crazy. On the day of, there was much talk of gallbladder surgery, with the boast by one person of having had so many gallstones that the surgery was broadcast on that surgery channel.

Other highlights? At one point I was chastising my sister for not getting the digits of a guy she was working with (he quit!) who is on this season's Project Runway. As I am obsessed with Project Runway, I intended to hunt him down, make him be my friend, and come to a Project Runway themed party. My sister gazed at me with contempt and said "I am the honey, they are the bees - theycome to me....Besides, I don't need friends, I have beer."

Then at breakfast on Sunday we were rushing to get my sister to the airport (a painful, never ending, hour and a half away) five of us were crammed into a booth. I gallantly suggested that I would sit at the crap seat on the end of the booth. There was so much stuff on the table I had my plate shoved in sideways, with part hanging off the table. At one point as I was trying to cut something, everything shifted, the plate tipped over the edge of the table, launching my biscuit and other assorted breakfast items into the air and over my shoulder. Waitresses came rushing to make sure I was ok - but I'm not quite sure what that meant. Ok as in I'm not having a seizure? OK as in I'm now covered with food, should we mop you down? In either case, I've decided to call getting mad "flippin' my biscuits".

Feel free to use it.


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Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Apparently Lawyers Are Jerks or Something

The day I got my bar results in addition to the well wishes from all of you, I receive the following comment on an ancient post:

"You have got to be kidding me. I just ran across this Blog and this woman needs to get over it. It is a tool, why wouldn't you have looked in the "Tool World"? Isn't it amazing, you can give people an education and a title, but for all their money, they couldn't find enough common sense to fill a thimble. Sorry, but I think all lawyers need to be tortured and then made to work retail as a punishment for being a damned lawyer."

The post being commented upon was one I'd written in law school, and described how I'd gone to Lowe's (hardware store) to get some wood clamps. I was unable to easily find these items and asked every person I encountered who worked in the store (10 people!) where I could find them. But nobody seemed to know what I was talking about. Finally, the wood clamps were found in a special section of the store, hidden off in the corner, known as "Tool Alley".

Apparently, according to Anonymous commentator, this scenario makes me an idiot.

Oh Anonymous commentator, let me put it to you this way: Let's imagine that one went to the grocery store. Now imagine that you were seeking something simple, like cheese. But the cheese could not be found. You asked employees, and they merely shrugged their shoulders. Then, in the back corner of the grocery store you found something called "Food Alley". Would you not be bewildered? Would you not wonder what the fuck the rest of the grocery store was for?*

But that's ok, Anonymous douchebag, that's ok. I'm just a lawyer and everyone knows lawyers the world over and through all time have never done anything worth while. We all just sit around sharpening our talons, smoking cigars, and patting our fat tummies while smoking our cigars. Sometimes we also go swimming in all our money. Wait, is that a lawyer or a fat cat tycoon?

Oh, that reminds me of another story: While at the National Portrait Gallery one day and viewing a portrait of fatcat tycoon Andrew Carnegie, one of America's finest said

"Oh look, there's Andrew Carnegie"
"Who's that?"
"You know, that famous musician."

America's finest concluded that the man who donated Carnegie Hall must be a musician, rather than a corporate fat cat. Which reminds me, how come when someone says they're a CEO, or VP, or CFO you don't hear people say "My god, how do you sleep at night with all the blood of the innocent on your hands?"

At any rate, Anonymous, I have worked far worse jobs than retail. And I've been paid less than my male counterparts to do those crap jobs. Also, I'm not sure how I was "given" an education, as my loans seem to indicate that I'm in fact paying through the nose for my education, and as to title, I suppose you mean "esquire" which I believe I earned through surviving three years of misery and passing the bar. I wonder what it is you do for a living, Anonymous? I'd be happy to discuss your contribution to society - or lack thereof.

But thanks for your startlingly novel "lawyers are jerks" rant. Really. It's a totally fresh line of thinking.

Maybe you should get to work on a similarly innovative and pithy calendar?

* Sorry grammar police, that sentence should more properly read "Would you not wonder what purpose the rest of the store served?". However, that is far less satisfying to write and I am a firm believer in the vernacular. Even when it's written. Oh go to hell.


Tuesday, November 06, 2007

AISL Officially at War with Grant Miller Media

Because everyone else is at war, I too have decided to declare a blog war.

Grant Miller of Grant Miller Media has stepped over the line and must be stopped. What has Grant Miller done to initiate such hostilities? Grant Miller has dared to insult The Great State of Texas.

As a native of The Great State of Texas, I feel it is my duty to

Miller says "As many of you know, Texas is wasteland of art and culture. Its residents are inbred cretins teeming with fecal matter and disease. It is a worthless hell hole where no one respects art or culture unless it's painted on black velvet or magically appears on a tortilla."

I'll have you know, Grant Miller, that when you see the Virgin Mary appear to you on a tortilla it is a pretty special thing. It's the Virgin Mary for God's sake! Then you have to decide whether to call the press in to witness the miracle - or finish making your fajita. It is a tough call I tell you.

Miller also states "I hope sharing these priceless works from the Art Institute of Chicago will expand the minds of most Texans, allowing them to consider a world beyond Tex Mex restaurants, honky tonks and "Dukes Of Hazzard" reruns."

Fortunately some commentators on GMM attempted to set the record straight about a few things, but let me do so now with greater clarity: We do NOT watch "Dukes of Hazzard" as that is set in Georgia (I believe) NOT The Great State of Texas. We have four shows that we watch:

1) Dallas

2) Walker Texas Ranger

3) World's Deadliest Police Chases - 3/4 of which take place in Texas. It's bitchin to see how we stack up against the rest of the world.

4) The Dallas Cowboys

And when we're not watching those four shows, we eat Mexican food. God's gift to America is Mexican Food, and those who disagree with me have clearly never had a burrito. Granted, we don't really want so many Mexicans in Texas - but that's a whole other thing.

And as to Honky Tonks - well if we're not watchin' the Cowboys or eatin' Mesican food, we are down at the local Honky Tonk ridin' the mechanical bull. I'd wager that most of you men-folk would drool at the sight of one our Texas ladies showin' the bull how it's done. If that ain't culture - well hell, you tell me how that's different from a naked painting?

So take that Grant Miller Media. I think I've demonstrated that The Great State of Texas is anything but what you described.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go ride my horse and shoot my pistols in the air.


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Friday, November 02, 2007

The Results Are In!

I am happy/proud/ecstatic to announce that EZ, Tiny and I all passed the Maryland Bar. We are now bona fide, certified, authentic* lawyers. Booyah!

*OK, not quite yet as we have to take an ethics class and be sworn in, but you get the idea.