Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Words of Wisdom from MR KING ULTIMATE

Somehow I seem to have gotten on some sort of "Skanks of MySpace" list.

I guess I should back up a minute and admit that I have both a MySpace and a Facebook account. I hate them, and use them only because I was forced to create a page on each account by my west coast/Dallas friends and my sister respectively. People keep "writing on my wall" and "making me a zombie" and sending me stuff and I really don't quite get what's going on.

I don't understand why everyone can't just use Gmail and Blogger and call it a day. Maybe because there are no animated smiley faces, and a song won't blare at you the second you log onto somebody's page - in short, not enough hoo ha for most people. I'm guess I'm old school because I'm just in it because I like words. But I digress.

The point is that all of a sudden, I've started getting on average two emails A DAY from random men. I know that most of my lady friends get these emails from time to time, but this seems to be more than usual. Maybe all the girls receive them with this frequency, I don't know. I was going to delete my account or make it private or whatever to get myself off the radar, but my sister has begged me not to as the emails that I've received have proved to be so entertaining.

Please behold the following solicitation from one MR. KING ULTIMATE:

41 WAYS TO MELT A WOMANS HEART


1. Ask her to dance.
2.On windy days, brush wayward strands of hair from her eyes and mouth.
3.When shes coming down the street, across the room, or up the stairs to meet you, walk toward her as soon as you see her.
4.Kiss her between her shoulder blades when she turns her back to you to go to sleep.
5.Put your arm around her when you introduce her to your friends and family.
6.Grasp her hand when a scantily dressed, beautiful woman walks by.
7.Call her when youre feeling sad.
8.Kiss her eyelids.
9.Ask to see a picture of her when she was a child.
10.Wash her from head to toe in the shower.
11.If shes crying on the phone, go over to her place. Immediately.
12.Stand her naked on a sturdy chair and lick between her legs.
13.Occasionally call her by her first and middle names.
14.Buy her your favorite album of all time on vinyl.
15.Order coffee for her, remembering exactly how she likes it.
16.Undress her and put her to bed when she falls asleep in the car.
17.Mention your upcoming anniversary before she does.
18.Send her something in the mail. Anything.
19.When shes feeling insecure, stare into her eyes and tell her there is no one in the world who could be as right for you as she is.
20.Call her just before you get on the plane.
21.Pick her clothes up off the floor.
22.Try desperately to make her laugh when shes feeling down.
23.Take her to see your favorite sport live. Pay more attention to her than to the game.
24.Touch her arm when you leave the table to go to the bathroom. Touch her again when you come back.
25.Shave just before you see her. She..ll notice.
26.Hug her when she gets jealous. Hug her hard.
27.Worship her breasts.
28.Give her jewelry.
29.Hand her two towels when she gets out of theshower. (The second one is for her hair.)
30.Ask her specific questions about her work.
31.Keep her favorite cereal on hand.
32.In the middle of a conversation, tell her you love her.
33.Send her very expensive flowers when you screw up.
34.Take her to a cabin with a fireplace. Build her a fire.
35.Moan her name when she goes down on you.
36.Read her a story when its her turn to drive during a long road trip.
37.Offer to fix something in her apartment that you realize is broken.
38.Notice when shes wearing something new.
39.Make love to her standing up, against a wall.
40.Kiss her hand in front of your most die-hard bachelor buddies.
41.If shes too stressed to want sex . . .
a. Draw a bath for her
b. Give her a full-body massage
c. Ask if she wants to wrestle.

You know what I love about this? I love that he didn't personalize a message to me - he just cut this out and pasted it into an email. What you're reading is the entirety of what MR. KING ULTIMATE sent. Presumably he'd like to do these things to me; not that he said as much. I guess he though I'd be so blown away by this very moving email that I would respond immediately with a request for more details on how we could meet!

I also love how he slipped in number 12. My sister is convinced MR. KING ULTIMATE deleted "pick her a flower" or whatever else was there and inserted his own little suggestion. I also like the fact that it's a "sturdy" chair - thick ladies need a sturdy chair.

My sister's boyfriend loves number 13, because the rest of the time you must just be calling her "bitch" or "ho".

With offers like these, who can stop dating?!



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