Apparently Lawyers Are Jerks or Something

The day I got my bar results in addition to the well wishes from all of you, I receive the following comment on an ancient post:

"You have got to be kidding me. I just ran across this Blog and this woman needs to get over it. It is a tool, why wouldn't you have looked in the "Tool World"? Isn't it amazing, you can give people an education and a title, but for all their money, they couldn't find enough common sense to fill a thimble. Sorry, but I think all lawyers need to be tortured and then made to work retail as a punishment for being a damned lawyer."

The post being commented upon was one I'd written in law school, and described how I'd gone to Lowe's (hardware store) to get some wood clamps. I was unable to easily find these items and asked every person I encountered who worked in the store (10 people!) where I could find them. But nobody seemed to know what I was talking about. Finally, the wood clamps were found in a special section of the store, hidden off in the corner, known as "Tool Alley".

Apparently, according to Anonymous commentator, this scenario makes me an idiot.

Oh Anonymous commentator, let me put it to you this way: Let's imagine that one went to the grocery store. Now imagine that you were seeking something simple, like cheese. But the cheese could not be found. You asked employees, and they merely shrugged their shoulders. Then, in the back corner of the grocery store you found something called "Food Alley". Would you not be bewildered? Would you not wonder what the fuck the rest of the grocery store was for?*

But that's ok, Anonymous douchebag, that's ok. I'm just a lawyer and everyone knows lawyers the world over and through all time have never done anything worth while. We all just sit around sharpening our talons, smoking cigars, and patting our fat tummies while smoking our cigars. Sometimes we also go swimming in all our money. Wait, is that a lawyer or a fat cat tycoon?

Oh, that reminds me of another story: While at the National Portrait Gallery one day and viewing a portrait of fatcat tycoon Andrew Carnegie, one of America's finest said

"Oh look, there's Andrew Carnegie"
"Who's that?"
"You know, that famous musician."

America's finest concluded that the man who donated Carnegie Hall must be a musician, rather than a corporate fat cat. Which reminds me, how come when someone says they're a CEO, or VP, or CFO you don't hear people say "My god, how do you sleep at night with all the blood of the innocent on your hands?"

At any rate, Anonymous, I have worked far worse jobs than retail. And I've been paid less than my male counterparts to do those crap jobs. Also, I'm not sure how I was "given" an education, as my loans seem to indicate that I'm in fact paying through the nose for my education, and as to title, I suppose you mean "esquire" which I believe I earned through surviving three years of misery and passing the bar. I wonder what it is you do for a living, Anonymous? I'd be happy to discuss your contribution to society - or lack thereof.

But thanks for your startlingly novel "lawyers are jerks" rant. Really. It's a totally fresh line of thinking.

Maybe you should get to work on a similarly innovative and pithy calendar?



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* Sorry grammar police, that sentence should more properly read "Would you not wonder what purpose the rest of the store served?". However, that is far less satisfying to write and I am a firm believer in the vernacular. Even when it's written. Oh go to hell.