Saturday, October 14, 2006

Screw You, Lowe's

This was supposed to be a post either about the swamp tour I took earlier in the week (which was thoroughly awesome I assure you) or my adventure last night, but due to my insanely high level of frustration, this is the blog that has risen the most in urgency. So to continue...

Lowe's - you are dead to me.

Earlier this week one of our dining room chairs broke -- the leg split near the screws. After examining the leg, I realized that some simple glueing could repair the chair good as new. So today I jaunted down to my local hardware store to purchase wood glue and wood clamps.

Except, this turned out to be a herculean task. After searching the store for 15 minutes, I found the wood glue, which was illogically located between the paint section and home furnishings section, as opposed to the wood section. While some of you might think that the
wood glue would be located with the wood stain which in the paint section, you would be wrong again.

Wood glue is located on the aisle with paint brushes. Obviously.

I then proceeded to search the store for 30 minutes looking for wood clamps. I walked the entire store. No wood clamps. I asked every person I encountered wearing a red vest, and honest to god the response invariably was "What are wood clamps?"

The first few times I calmly explained "It's a metal clamp used to hold wood together when it's being glued." After asking the 5th employee however,
I felt like answering as Borat: "For to be the glueing of the wood and together" -- because fucking honestly, if "wood clamp" isn't self explanatory you need to get off the food chain.

For those Lowe's employees that vaguely knew what I was talking about after my explanation, each one sent me to a completely different aisle.

Finally an angry wo-Man management type says to me (like I am a moron) "Oh, they're back here on this wall." The area she indicated was in this weird roped off section of the store called something like "Tool Alley" that had only one entrance and exit. Inside "tool alley" are things like screwdrivers, hammers, tape measures, and wood clamps. All these items are hidden as the are ringed by a wall which displays large powertools, like power table saws. In other words, all the most basic tools you might need are hidden in the back corner of the fucking store and none of the employees seem to be aware of its contents. I was livid.

There is a word for this, but I've given it up.

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