How My Sister Met Ralph Fiennes

Growing up there was no woman or teen girl more devoted to The English Patient than my sister. Many a time I remember walking through our den to see her weeping while watching the movie for the god knows how manyeth time. I would often stop pause to express my disgust and she would shout after me "But it's so sad!"

The only thing that I found sad about it is that Kristen Scott Thomas left Colin Firth. I'd cut her for Colin Firth. But I especially hated that bathtub scene where Ralph says something like "this is my favorite part of you and I want to own it" and points to her elbow or clavicle or something like that. And she's all "I thought we didn't believe in ownership." I suppose that this scene is supposed to be very moving but...hey, don't I have toe clippers somewhere? Sorry sorry, I got so bored remembering the scene I forgot what I was doing.

So my sister, never one to do things by half, rounded out her repeated viewings of the movie by reading the novel of the movie, then Herodotus, and then proceeding to fill a sketchbook full of drawing after the cave paintings in the film. She could be a professional obsessive. So you can only imagine her insane level of delight when one night she saw him on the streets of London.

It seems appropriate that she was out pursuing another form of insanity - facing of with the class kleptomaniac - when she spotted him. Earlier that day, my sis, who just got a degree in shoe design from the London Institute of Fashion was attending her class's final shoe show. At some point The Class Klepto sat down next to her while they were taking pictures and stole her new, tres classy Wayfarer Ray Bans (that were just like the ones Audrey Hepburn wore in Breakfast at Tiffany's). Apparently this girl drags a rolley cart with her wherever she goes bag lady style to carry away all her stolen goods.

Since sis had spent a pretty penny on the sunglasses fashion splurge, she decided it was well worth it to hunt down the crazy klepto girl. The Klepto had accused my sis's friend of stealing from her(the klepto) the week before and had insisted on searching the poor girl(my sis's friend) - so my sis and this same friend decided to hunt the klepto down and search her. Ah Jesus, this is hard to write without names. I am tired, and I don't known any of these people personally and my sister insists I blogs this story but won't write it herself so there you go. It's confusing.

Anyway, it was while waiting outside some bar or club for the klepto to emerge that she saw Ralph Fiennes. And then she was faced with the greatest dilemma of all time: wait for the klepto or follow Ralph Fiennes?

Well, the title of this blog and the picture at the top kind of give away the suspense, so there's no point in pretending to belabor the point.

So after stalking him for a few blocks and trying to work up the nerve to approach him, some douchebag beat her to the punch and approached Ralph for a autograph. At that point she walked up and asked to take a picture with him. He grudingly obligued, which was nice. Then again, he had just been caught shagging a stewardess and people are thinking he's kinda of man-skank, Harry Potter or no Harry Potter, so he may have been more generous than usual.

After having her dreams fulfilled/crushed by meeting Mr. Fiennes, sis went back to chase down the klepto. She caught the girl, searched her on the street, but alas no glasses were found. But apparently she's the sort of crazy who'll steal things and then throw them away.

There's no real point to this story other than sometime if you wish hard enough DREAMS COME TRUE. They do. If you wish hard enough, maybe you too can meet the man skank of movie dreams. Makes you want to hug a Care Bear doesn't it?

The best part: the crazed look on my sister's face (which can be seen more easily if you click on the picture to enlarge it). In real life she is rather attractive and looks much less insane. Also, I totally gave her the necklace she's wearing in the picture. I pretty much rule. Vicariously at the very least. Afterall, I am now just two degrees of separation from Ralph Fiennes.