Monday, September 03, 2007

Look On These Works Ye Mediocre and Despair: Random Things That Are Annoying Me Today

CSI Miami

This CSI is clearly the most useless branch of the CSI arsenal and seems to exist only to give David Caruso new ground for his read-headed useless glowering. At least if he were doing CSI New York it would be a nod t
o his former success on NYPD Blue - as in The Caruso can only exist in a fake New York Universe. Putting him in Miami is hilarious since only an albino would stay as far from the sunshine as pasty David Caruso.

This may also partially explain why the show always looks like it's being filmed at sunset. In our household we refer to the show merely as "6:30" because that's what time it looks like the show takes place. I know the colors are supposed to be all super-saturated-bienvenidos -a-miami and shit, but it just looks silly. The "lab" is also rather hilarious as it looks like they are housed in a huge I.M. Pei glass building. Because all that glass, you know, it's good for the science. Must be one hell of an A.C. bill.


I also think this would be pretty much the easiest show in the universe to write for. If I were a paid writer and just wanted to collect my check I would say sign me up for this show. For example: Show begins with murder, ok easy enough. Then, I'd throw in some science that I learned from the fingerprint kit that I got in the fourth grade or that I learned from watching one of the other CSI programs. At least ten minutes of the show is one of the characters doing something sciencey, you know standing in the glass lab boiling something or shining a flashlight on something or whatever. The hardest part would be flicking through my ipod to decide what song to play in the background during all this "science". That's 20 minutes down right there with no more effort than is put into a music video.

After the "science", there would also be some sort of arrest carried out by one of the lab techs because all the lab techs are also cops. Or maybe just armed techs. It's a bit unclear. It's clear though that if all they did was the science music video part sans arrest, people would not be duped into watching the show.

Then another 10 minutes would go to David Caruso's longing, distant stares and crappy one liners. The other writers can pick up the rest of the slack at that point, because my feet would be up on the desk and I'd be thinking about where I'd be going for my after work drink.

Girl Scout Cookies

Now, I love the taste of the girl scout cookies as much as the next person, it's what they've come to represent that distresses me. What brought up this particular axe to grind? Some random Jehovah's witness knocking on our door today brought back memories of being a Girl Scout. Since we lived in the middle of nowhere with something like 7 other houses nearby, I was always a dismal failure at the cookie sale. My father straight up refused to sell them at work like every other kid's parents. Instead he would generally just buy enough so that so that I met the minimum "requirement".

Also distressing, I never learned a single, useful skill in Girl Scouts. My dad was an Eagle Scout (Boy Scout) and I remember him talking about all these merit badges he got, and how they taught him to make things like a bow and how to build a fire with twigs, and other cool stuff. I thought that that's what we'd be doing. But all we did was sell those damn cookies, dress in the little uniform, and have a few meetings. If that was supposed to give us some sort of inner feminine confidence, well they completely missed the boat. However, if we were training to be stewardesses, I'd be all set.

And the fact that the we seem to exist primarily to sell cookies -- it's all just a little misogynistic in retrospect.
And what did all these cookie sales benefit? Fuck if I know. Actually, it's kind of galling. Shouldn't I know to what purpose was put all the money we raised? Yeah. Fuck yeah. I feel like it's basically just a pyramid scheme using young girls as hapless cookie selling pawns.

I'm sure somebody out there has some heartwarming girl scout story. To you I say "suck it". Go write your own blog.

Killing Off A Character

What brought this to mind? Pirates of the Carribean 3: 3 Hours in the Theater and Rush Hour 3: Chris Tucker Is A Shrill Motherfucker. For some reason, I seem to have taken on a Samuel L. Jackson persona while writing this post, but you know what? I'm gonna go with it. Just picture Samuel narrating this post.

God bless Asian film. One thing you can say about it as a whole is that they will kill a character off. Even in a crappy Charlie's Angels type of movie like So Close, they will kill a bitch off and that is just so ballsy that I love it. There's also this Chow Yun Fat movie where he and his best friend die in the end. I can't remember what's its called, the point is, the motherfucker died.

That creates in the movie going audience the slightest bit of excitement because even in this crappy action movie things might not turn out all right. How exciting would it be to go into Lethal Weapon 42 and think that Mel Gibson might actually get his ass blown off on the toilet? Exactly.

For those of you who've seen Michael Moore's Sicko, he has an interesting theory that people (i.e. Americans) are so crushed by debt that they are afraid to stand up to the government or do anything that could jeopardize their jobs. If true, that could be trickling down to other aspects of our culture. If people are generally crushed by debt, they don't want to see a character lose and die, even in a complete piece of crap. They want simple escapism, and movie studios want money.

But I for one want to see Mel Gibson's ass get blown off.


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