My Mom Leaves The Best Voice Mails

My mom is known, at least in the inner family circle for her very long voice mail messages. If you do not answer, she will usually begin by informing you (despite the fact that we all have caller id)






a) Hey Laaw-yuhr/Rabbit, this is Mom.
b) I'm just calling to check on you.
c) today I did ______ and then I did _______ and then _____.
d) also, I ran into _____ and their son/daughter is doing so well in _______.

By the time she finished to voicemail, she has completely obviated the need to call her back. Nevertheless, she will be wounded if you don't call. And of course, when you do call, she will then inquire if you listened to her message. I generally give up after the first 30 seconds, and when questioned if I listened it is an internal debate as to how to answer. The best lawyerly strategy I've been able to come up with is to reply "Most of it, but then I lost the signal. Cingular sucks." Since my sister lives in a foreign country, she gets considerably more lattitude on this issue than I am afforded. My mother, upon hear this instead of recaping, will provide the long version of the voicemail. Sometimes I set the phone down and go to the bathroom. I have also found this to be prime eyebrown maintenance time.

But as La Blogda pointed out in the comments to my last entry, my mom is famous, or rather, infamous amongst my friends for one particular voice mail that she left my sister. It's circulated from my sister's friends to me and my friends and even our godparents, and is official family lore. The story is as follows:

My mom was driving and leaving my sister a voicemail in the above pattern. About 35 second into the message she suddenly shouts "Wooo! Wooo! Woooooooo! Oh-mah-gawd-yoooou-suuuuunufa-bitch!" and then hangs up.

This is especially good because:

1) my mother was always big into not cursing, which is diametrically opposed to the rest of the family.
2) my mother has an insane thick southern accent. On the rare opportunitues when she curses it's delicious, and usually involves phrases which I do not understand (e.g. "that would puke a bull-bitch on a gut wagon").

As Mom tells the story a Semi-truck -or as she likes to call 'em, a "Sixteen-wheeler"- "appeared out of nowhere" and "cut her off." I am not sure how a truck that size can materialize from nowhere. Methinks perhaps Mom had her mind on other things (e.g. leaving sis a voicemail) and missed spotting the truck. One can never be sure.

But after getting this wonderful message, my sister proceeded to forward it to many a voicemail box so that we could all share the joy.

I freely admit I should not throw stones as I leave horrible voice mail messages. I will call somebody and then if I get their voicemail completely choke and forget what I was going to say. I also do this when standing in line for movie tickets. When I get up to the counter I'll have forgotten what I am there to see (yes film friends, I know this annoys the hell out of you. Maybe I will start writing it on my hands).

I can only hope this doesn't mean I am turning into my mother.