Wednesday, April 12, 2006

An Open Letter to the Music Industry

Is it just me, or has new music just been terrible lately? I mean, I think we've been in a musical slump for quite a while now, and I would declare music officially dead if not for sneak attack of British imports or for little known American bands like My Morning Jacket. But MTV, you are dead to me.

Case in point, the new Beyonce song, "Check On It." Holy hell, not only are the lyrics just gross, but there are litterally JUST FOUR NOTES IN THE SONG.

I have an ex who used to make fun of four chord bands, but at least there are generally 3 notes in a chord making a grand total of 12 notes in the song. And that is significantly more than 4 notes. Seriously, try to "sing" this wretched song. 80% of the song, i.e. the chorus, is sung on just ONE note. The other three notes are used sparingly, like they're spicy seasoning. There's probably some music exec out there who's like "hey hey hey, don't put any more notes in that song, that just confuses the kids and makes it harder to market."

I think the other worst song in the universe right now is the L.L. Cool J. / J-Lo abomination "Control Myself". While there are significantly more notes in this song, the rap portions sound like L.L. ripped off Tone Loc in his Funky Cole Medina/Wild Thing era.

The best part of this song? At one point "they break it down" by singing "ZZZZZZZZZZZ". I shit you not. If you want to skip the rest of the abomination and hear that part, go to 3:09 into the song.

Dude, a bee could do that.

I think that if a bee can do your job, it may be time to re-prioritize. Honestly, the musical bar has officially been set so low that you can pretty much just step over it at this point.

I'm quittin' law school and gettin' the band back together.

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