If I Were A Bear, I'd Eat You.

For the love of god, those tailored, salmon colored man-shorts are atrocious. Like a bad penny, these shorts keep turning up all over campus.

To the boys sporting this look allow me to address you: yes, I realize you are a frat-tard. The white frat hat is the Hermès bag of your world, and your greatest realization is that beer isn't just for breakfast anymore.

And yet, I assure you, you look like a fool.

Honestly, it looks as though your salmon colored pants were involved in a tragic, tailoring accident. "My God, the fabric...we'll have to amputate!"

These shorts remind me of an incident at a club where we could not get in because one member of our party, who was Polish, had not worn his "long sleeve pants." Long sleeve pants indeed.

As a strategic decision, shorts on adult men are always a questionable choice if you're not playing sports or engaged in some other erstwhile athletic activity. If you're legs are too skinny, you'll look like you're 12. Even if you look good in shorts, you should not wear them, say, oh to the country club. Or to a wedding. It may be hot, but that's why fashion scientists invented cotton, linen, and seersucker (but only in gray, not striped blue unless your 12 and under, or alternately 75 and older).

And why this move to dress like you live in retirement village? You're not 60, frat-tard. Sure, one day you'll sit around the country club drinking mai tais, careening around the village in your golf cart, and just generally farting around on the golf course pretending to play but really just getting out of the house so you don't have to deal with your wife yammering about planting the annuals. But that time has not yet come. These are your best years -do you really wish to squander them in salmon-colored shorts?

I promise you, these shorts are the harvest gold and avocado appliances of the fashion world! Just because the Brooks Brothers model is wearing them doesn't mean you should. Just look at that guy in the picture - you could tar and feather him and he would still be attractive. And yet, if he asked me out I would hesitate; do I really want to go to dinner with a man in salmon-colored shorts? I would always be wondering what happened to the rest of his pants.

I saw one boy on campus sporting this look and I voiced my disgust and confusion to EZ about the proliferation of these shorts. EZ looked at the boy I mention and said that he felt that his shorts fell into more of the "coral" range rather than the "salmon". Pft. He was missing the point entirely. They were first and foremost, ugly. Second, they were unqestionably salmon colored. Such that, if I were a bear, I would have eaten him.