Infomercial Products I Publicly Deride But Secretly Want

THE MAGIC BULLET

By now, surely everyone has seen the ad for the Magic Bullet. Complete with the 30 year old woman who is trying to play a 60 year old, hard smoking auntie with lipstick smeared across her face? Of course you have. It's incessant, inexorable, as it beats on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past...But the Magic Bullet not only has the most pervasive infomercial, it's the only kitchen product to be named after a JFK assassination theory! Bravo ad wizards!

And, just listen to this testimonial from the magic bullet's website:

The Magic Bullet is an entirely new concept in labor-saving devices. Unlike bulky blenders and unwieldy food processors that most of us only pull out of storage for specific recipes and special occasions, the Magic Bullet is so handy, so versatile and easy to use that you'll put it to work EVERY single day (probably several times a day). Best of all, it saves you time because it does almost any job in the kitchen in 10 seconds or less!

How magical! It's the best of a blender and a food processor without the complexity! With this one small device and 47 attachments, you can immediately simply your life.

People, people, it's a damn blender. With little cups and big cups that you attach to it. That's it. I have both a blender and a food processor. I'm not sure I need my life further simplified with a cabinet full of cups that attach to my "blocessor". And yet a little part of me stil desires the Magic Bullet.

THE GT EXPRESS


Have you seen the infomercial for this one? It's really scary. This product is kinda like a George Foreman Grill, but instead of a grill it has two "wells" in which the frightening homemaker lady on the infomercial is always shoving a bizarre combination of products.

Want a tiny cake with a candy bar shoved in the middle? You bet! How about some breakfast sausage with a fluffy exoskeleton of eggs? Yes please! Got some leftovers? Well, like a pothead with the munchies, mix whatever's in your fridge together and put it in the weird little baking wells add some liquid eggs or pancake mix and voila! Instant food crap.

Oh, please sir, may I have some more?!

It's like an Easy Bake Oven, but on crack. And yet I want to buy the GT Express, emptying out my fridge of its leftovers which I will coat with eggs thereby transforming them into scary half circled food widgets.

Chef Tony's SMARTWARE




There's something a little uncomfortable about bakeware made entirely of silicon. This seems like one of those inventions that, like tang, is a by-product of the space program.

And yet, I can't bake worth shit, so this has enormous appeal to me. Cakes and bread that aren't going to stick to their baking container? Sign me up.

Also, my Dad says "Never trust a skinny chef" and Tony is pretty hefty. Therefore, by the transitive property of my Dad, Chef Tony is trustworthy, and it follows that this bakeware must be awesome. But if you ask me in person, I will totally say that this is bakeware for a kitchen wuss.


Additionally,there were two literary refenses in this post. If you can name them, I dub thee King/Queen of the Nerds.


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This post is dedicated to Tommy H.