Sunday, June 25, 2006

Other Than Global Warming, A Few More Sure Signs of the Apocalypse

1) Roger Ebert has looked into the "deadlights" of the clown from It, and now writes the reviews of a madman.

Seriously. He actually gave 3 stars to The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift. I saw this movie because I love bad movies. Scan: this is a bad movie. A really bad movie.

Ebert gives the film points for the little bits of Japanese culture it references. Are you kidding me, Ebert? For the love of God, it's set in Tokyo. This is the sort of film that, if you participated in its creation, really should make you start to question your life choices. I think the Pajiba review really describes this horror best.
I do however like Lucas Black, the charming hick-boy from Sling Blade, American Gothic, and The X-Files who stars in the film. As we say in the South,"he's all grow'd up now. "

Alas, Ebert is the man to whom I turned for his eloquent defense of The Dreamers and Bad Education, when they were slapped with ridiculous NC-17 ratings by the MPAA. Oh, how the mighty have fallen!

If this were Ebert's only mis-step, I might let it slide. But, alas, there is more. And it is worse. He writes his review of Garfield:A Tale of Two Kitties in the first person, as though he were Garfield. I shit you not. The title of this film alone no doubt has Charles Dickens spinning in his grave as being the most flagrant misuse of his work since the inevitable porn, A Tale of Two Titties.

The writers of the Garfield movie should flogged as even *I* won't see that piece of tripe. Ebert should be flogged twice and then started on a healthy dose of anti-psychotics.

2) RoboCop teaches Roman History at Syracuse University

This is for real. I was innocently watching a History Channel documentary on Roman engineering and none other than RoboCop aka Peter Weller was a featured commentator. Apparently he has a masters in Roman and Renaissance art, but I hardly think that makes him the most qualified person to participate in this documentary, mainly because the part of the doc I saw he sounded like a gibbering idiot.

I had a personal encounter with Peter Weller once. He was on my plane when I went to Italy for the dig program. When we landed, apparently, there was no one with a limo and a sign with his name on it there to greet him, so he just kept wandering around the airport for over an hour.

Also, as I was leaving the plane I stole his boarding pass, which he had dropped. I was excited because I thought he was James Woods.

3) Cats are now genetically engineered not to bother my allergies

is just plain freaky. Cats and I have always had a tenuous peace. If I pet them, my eyes will begin to itch and eventually swell shut, my nose will run, and my skin will turn blotchy. Although often an inconvenience because most of my friends have cats, my allergies have also saved me from ever having to cat-sit. They have also saved me from ever turning into a crazy cat lady (i.e. the nutty old lady who has a dozen or so cats running around her house).

Goodbye allergies, hello crazy cat lady!

I guess for once the Christian Right/Ann Coulter is right: we should pretend like the Earth has a fever for the flavor of fossil fuels, for the end is surely nigh.

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home