Tuesday, June 05, 2007

D.C. Hates Me

Bad things that have happened since moving here from New Orleans:

1) We cannot flush toilet paper down our toilets. We didn't know that when our landlord said "You can't flush anything down the toilets" that he actually meant anything. We thought he was refering to lady products. Good times.

2) Our air conditioner doesn't work very well upstairs, actually its pretty much non-existant, causing me to have night sweats and also awful nightmares. Tiny keeps dreaming about zombies coming to get her.

3) Tiny and I got parking tickets our first day in D.C. because we didn't have D.C. plates; it was our first day in D.C.

4) My car failed the car inspection to get my parking plates because of my gangsta window tinting (which in Texas is known as NECESSARY because it is fucking hot in the summer, just like it is here). In D.C. the are under the illusion that window tint laws stop crime except that
a) it doesn't (seriously, when have D.C.'s crime rates dropped?) and
b) even if it did, SUV's are exempt and if you're gonna drive by won't it in an SUV rather than say a three door Saturn like I drive?@!

5) We have had the cable guys out twice now to get the phone/cable/internet hooked up -and yet like the Bermude triangle, our house continues to elude them. We are now going to have to pay them by the hour to install a "custom" jack. I am about to get medieval on Comcast because I have only seen this level of idiocy in New Orleans.

6) Our brand new wireless router is a piece of shit and refuses to work so I have to steal other people's internet even though we are paying for our own

7) The cable idiots only hooked up one phone jack. They need to make all that shit work for free. One phone jack my ass.

8) The shelves in my closet ripped out of the wall today, not because I have too much shit (ok, that a little bit of the problem but it was really largely) due to piss poor construction. These are elfa shelves that don't have support brackets. Stupid stupid stupid.

9) I have discovered that there are large cockroaches in D.C. as well as NOLA

10) People drive here like someone is stabbing them in the eye while their pants are on fire. I've never seen people make so many random U turns in my life. I drove us to Best Buy the other day and felt like I was an unsuspecting participant in a defensive driving video.

11) my metro pass was stolen from a dressing room with $20 on it. Additionally, I tried on 3 dresses unsuccessfully while in that dressing room, all of which looked great on the hanger and made me look completely insane. I have no explanation.

12) I bought a new full lenght mirror for my room. One morning I shifted my laundry basket, which jogged my dresser, which knocked off a swiffer box which hit the mirror causing it to fall over and break on my bathroom floor into a million little shards of death. Good thing I have seven more years of this to look forward to!

More Bad things that didn't happen to me personally but also affect me because these people live with me:

1) Tiny and EZ's cars also failed the D.C. inspection. We all have to get shit fixed and/or our window tinting removed.

2) Tiny's car got hit screwing up her driver's side mirror

3) EZ has spent no less than seven hours on the phone with Comcast and Linksys to try to get all shit working to no avail.

4) EZ's ipod is "corrupted" and is now refusing to work making him unable to listen to Dan Savage's podcasts and therefore grumpy.

5) We're all studying for the bar which is like the worst part of lawschool (exam period) just stretched over two months of constant, consistent hell.

In the immortal words of Bill Paxton in Aliens "Game over man, game over!" We've only lived here 13 days.

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