Tuesday, February 14, 2006

I Have Seen A Lot of Crappy Movies Lately


By a lot I mean 2 (that's a lot while I'm in school), and they were both crappy. Crappity crap crap. And yet, some of these do not achieve true crappy greatness, some are only mediocre bad, like "Underworld: Evolution". This one is so boring it doesn't even merit discussion. It lacks the true crap-tasticness of the Blade series that made them enjoyable ( e.g. skeletons jumping out of your mouth, Ryan Reynolds in leather pants, etc.). Also Tiny and EZ were distracted by Scott Speedman's bad teeth and couldn't even enjoy his abs. Ah well. I am forced to agree that the minor goodpoints of the film hardly make up for its failings – in the immortal words of Project Runway's Santino "You can't polish a turd".

So what movie was so bad it was good in that it was really bad? None other than "In Her Shoes" which now easily tops my list as the worst chic-flic of all time. Why did I watch this you ask? Well, my mom sent a copy to me and one to my sister for Valentine's day. Her note included in the package to me said "I know you said you wouldn't watch this, but I think you should give it a chance. Don't be such a film snob. You liked Erin Brokovich and I made you watch that."

Actually, I hated Erin Brokovich. I love Steven Soderburgh, but I *hated* that movie (Did the man who made "Full Frontal" make thee?). I just didn't have the heart to tell my mom this fact.

So why did my mom want me to watch this? Cause it's about sisters. And wouldn't you know it, I in fact have a sister. But It's not just about sisters --it's about a frumpy-older-sister-lawyer and a skanky-younger-sister sex pot. Hmmmm.... What do we think my mom is trying to say here? To answer this question, allow me to summarize the plot:

The movie begins with skanky younger sister stealing older frumpy sis' new man (who is also a partner at older sis' firm). Older sis throws freeloading skank sister out. Also, skank can't read so good. Skank is out of money so she uncovers long lost grandma who, contrary to any stereotype, is Jewish and lives in Florida. Skanky goes to freeload off grandma. For added drama, it is revealed that the girls' mom killed herself. Meanwhile older sis is no longer fulfilled by high powered firm job and quits to walk dogs. Also she hooks up with awesome man who likes her for, oh my goodness, herself and he works at her old firm. Even better – she likes to eat, he likes to order. Beautiful! They get engaged.

Then he can't marry her because she is hiding something from him. Oh my god what is she hiding?! She is hiding that she had a fight with her boyfriend-stealing-skank sister, and that she threw her skank-sis out, and doesn't know where she is. Meanwhile Skankator "finds herself" by becoming a personal shopper for old farts in Florida. Frumpy comes to visit Grandma too and finds Skanky. Skanky feels bad about the whole boyfriend stealing thing, and calls Frumpy's fiance and gets him to come to Florida (and somehow manages not to sleep with him). Frumpy sis tells fiance about Skanky sis. They marry, and Skank reads a poem at wedding now that one of the old farts taught her how to read. THE END. Yay! Oh my god, was the good or what?!

Note to my sister: if you steal my law firm partner boyfriend, I will cut you. Of course the necessity of me having to do this is slim to none as
1) sis and I have completely different tastes in boys, plus she can read
2) I am not going to work in a fancy firm
3) we have no Jewish grandmother in Florida
4) our mom didn't commit suicide (hence sending me this awful movie)
5) Oh hell, there's no point in completing the list as the only parallels to our lives are the fact that the film has two sisters and one is a lawyer. For the love of god Mom, sis and I cannot relate to this. Other than to email each other and make fun of it.

Mind you, this monstrosity of a movie takes a soul sucking 2 hours and 10 minutes to view. Sweet Jebus. But really, the best part of the whole DVD is a "making-of" featurette after the movie. In it, the director talks at length about the choices he made for the art on the walls. He seriously talks for 5 minutes of the 20 minute piece on this. I kept thinking, if only he'd chanelled that energy into the plot instead of worrying about the stuff in the background that the audience doesn't even get a good look at, the film might have turned out better.

Of course with any adaptation, one wonders if it is the movie that is bad or if it is the source material. Although I have not read "In Her Shoes" I have read another of Jennfier Weiner's books and it was pretty awful. As the immortal Mystery Science Theater 3000 once pointed out, its a bad idea to reference a good movie in your crappy movie. In the case of this book-cum-movie, Weiner references the likes of Elizabeth Bishop andE.E. Cummings. Applying the MST3K principle, don't reference good writing in your crappy writing. It doesn't elevate your writing, it only points out your own shoddy craftsmanship.

Anyway, thanks Mommy. Happy Valentine's day to you too.

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