More Fun in Austin: Demon Children and Their Ilk

The weekend before last, D and I went to go see the movie "Stay". Since nothing in life is simple anymore, we of course went to the wrong theater. The theater we should have been at was across the street, hidden in a shopping center under the hill. This being the night before Halloween, Mother Nature had obliged us with sufficiently scary setting: it was dark and misty with a sort of low lying fog. When we got to the correct theater we noticed that there were very few cars in the parking lot and we were able to park right in front. We purchased tickets and went inside and there was not one single person walking around – only the two teenagers behind the concession stand. And it was at that point that I should have realized that D and I were clearly dead, and we had found ourselves in some sort of afterlife limbo.

We went into the theater and found that that too was completely empty. There is something very liberating about a completely empty theater. D and I sat in the back, dead center, in the comfy and spacious handicapped seats as they were clearly not going to be needed. We were sitting there for a bit when a guy came in, leaned over to us and said "excuse me, but is this the theater for 'Stay'," which of course seemed odd as it says it is on the marquis above the door. But perhaps when you're dead you have trouble with these things, I'm simply not sure. Just before the movie was to begin a few more people trickled in, so there were about 7 people in the theater total, but since it was dark when they came in I am not entirely convinced they were real.

The movie was pretty good; about a young man who is in a terrible car accident and is living inside an incredible world in his head. When the movie ended, D and I both headed to the bathroom. When I came out of the stall there was a child standing outside the door fiddling with her pants. She looked normal enough, but her continuous fiddling was strange and as there were about 10 other stalls open there was no need to stand directly in front of mine.

"Hello" said the child in a scary demon child voice. "Hello" I said, because the last thing you want to do is antagonize a demon child. As I edged around the child, I decided that I really didn't need to wash my hands all that badly as we were going straight home. I was afraid to turn my back on the child as I thought she might stab me in the kidneys or bite me so I booked it out of the bathroom -- leaving D in their alone.

Yes, I am a bad friend.

When I came out of bathroom there was only one person in the lobby, an older crone-ish looking woman who I decided must be the child's handler. When D emerged from the bathroom, she looked a little wide-eyed and fearful as well and we ran off to the car. She had also been greeted by the demon child after leaving her stall, but she had stayed to wash her hands, which I guess makes her braver than me, but we were both glad to leave the scary theater behind.

I had had a little headache when we began our evening, but by the time we were leaving I had achieved a full-on migraine which required drugs and sleep, and it is true that the next morning the entire incident felt rather like a dream, or merely a bad student film.

Of course, I perhaps judge too harshly, speaking as a formerly orange child. No doubt, you are perplexed by that statement, and rightfully so, but I can assure you that when I was young my skin took on an orange color due to all the yellow vegetables I ate. I mentioned this in passing while at lunch with the girls a week or so ago and they all thought that I was full of shit, but I assure it is quite a real phenomenon. Everyone was in such disbelief that I emailed my mother to elicit proof that I wasn't exaggerating. The following is her email:

Texas,

This is just the daily diet that the doctor outlined for me. I didn't have any experience with babies so I followed it exactly.

Breakfast--cereal, fruit.

Lunch--green veg., yellow veg.

Dinner--meat, green veg., yellow veg.

This may not be exact but pretty close. So never having had kids and very eager to do it just right, I fed you just what he said--day in and day out--followed the specs--no creative variation.

When we returned for a check up he said you had turned yellow from too much carotene. I had fed you too many yellow vegs. I think the sweet potatoes, carrots and squash were all more tasty than the greens and you just probably ate more. But here again I fed you a jar of each--just as he said. It's a wonder you survived.

Give us a call when and if you have time. Is the exam this week?

Love, MOM

Still don't believe me? http://parenting.ivillage.com/baby/bnutrition/0,,3q49,00.html

So I supposed at one time I was an orange demon child myself and probably scared the crap out of some lady in the bathroom. Too bad I was too young to remember.