Review: "The Care Bears Movie"

There I was, taking a study break, and I was all set to write my review of "The Care Bears Movie," which had been a favorite film of my little sister, and as with anything that was a favorite of my sister, I have been forced to endure it ad nauseaum, so I felt well up to the task. I particularly enjoy this genre of 80's film -- it's the sort of thing that writes itself; make up something cute and squishy, dream up some evil they must fight, and then defeat evil via squishy cuteness. Brilliant!

But then, someone beat me to the punch. And I thought that I really couldn't top what he/she wrote, so I'm just going to quote this person:

A dark vision of the American fantasy scape, 30 March 2005Author: The_Enigmatic_Cryptopig from United Kingdom

The 'Care' Bear movie. A dangerous plethora of twisted images from the American psyche are explored in this woodland repression vehicle. A dark dream of the degree to which writers in a modern society are prepared to disrupt reality in a bid to blindfold the new generation into the shooting gallery of puberty. Does the carebear have an armpit? The sanitation of children's programming has led to a generation befouled by mishap, angst and Celine Dion. The carebare is a eunuch, there is no personality, no real love or care. They simply serve as a scattered kaleidescope from which to view a one dimensional form of an emotion that short sighted writers have tried to simplify and compress to a generation of consequentially disenfranchised infants. Too much sugar leads to rot and as the Care Bears use their plateau to infect the 'savage' woodland creatures with their semi psychotic care ideology, the creatures lose all hope of developing any sense of identity. They find themselves crushed by the oppressive force of the 'care' and soon they too are carrying the Fascistic emblems, branded, on their bodies. All in all a terrifyingly shortsighted catapult into the ideological catacombs of children's broadgramming. Both chilling and powerful.
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I thought nothing could top that entry...until I found this one....

A true children's film., 2 July 2001Author: Chris Ushko from Alberta, Canada

I saw this as a kid. This is a Care Bears movie. There are no Power Rangers battling space monsters. There are no grade schoolers fighting ninjas. There are no Pokemon around to traumatize the children for life. This is what a child's movie is all about: moral issues. Teaching our children to grow and learn. I don't recommendthis movie for preteens and up, but trust me, younger children should see these kind of movies BEFORE you go exposing them to the moronic Teletubbies. In this film, the Care Bears are sent to help two orphan children on the lam. In the meantime, Tenderheart gets caught up in a plot to eliminate all caring in the world when a young carnival magician's apprentice discovers a talking book of the occult. Now the Care Bears must stop this plan before it comes to fruition. The story is filled with happy songs and meaningful life lessons; the kinds of lessons that children should best learn directly from their parents--but from what I've seeing lately, most haven't.. It's not about spoiled kids rebelling against authority (i.e. Rugrats, Recess, Pepper Ann), it's about teaching kids; remember that. I'm sure as heck going to make sure my children see this film when they come around. It's a true children's film. Don't blow it off because "it'll make your kids go fruity." It won't. Trust me.
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Wow, so who here thinks Chris from Canada has issues?

I especially like how his second sentence states "this is a care bears movie." Just in case you were confused. It is also informative the way Chris tells us there are no Power Rangers, ninjas, or pokemon to be found in the Care Bears movie. Chris is very helpful. I also am intrigued by Chris' notion that Pokemon traumatize Children, and Care Bears teach them lessons. Just how old is Chris? Is Chris "special"?

I can assure you, I didn't learn shit from the Care Bears, unless it's that fact that if you have something tatooed on your stomach you can then emanate magical powers from your midsection tattoo to defeat evil. Right now I bet there's a biker out there defeating evil with the power of a naked lady tattooed on his chest. If I had to chose my evil-fighting chest-tatoo I would chose pancakes. Pancakes to fight evil. According to Chris, this is a lesson I should have learned from my parents.

I also like how Chris talks about Orphan children "on the lam". Who here thinks Chris has no idea what "on the lam" means? Wow, and that Tenderheart getting all caught up with that talking book of the occult. I hope he makes it!

I am also glad that Chris follows up his observation that this movie is about "teaching kids" with the admonition "remember that". Because I had already forgotton from paragraph one that this movie was a) about the care bears and b) about teaching kids. Sometime between paragraph one and three I thought the movie involved the Power Rangers, Pokemon, ninjas and I was pretty sure there was a scene in there somewhere where the devil rapes a woman and she has his baby.

I am also curious about Chris' personal assurances that watching this movie won't "make your kids go fruity." Just how does he know?! Is he speaking from personal experience? Has Chris been forced to hours and hours (a la A Clockwork Orange style) of Care Bears viewing and has come out unscathed and "unfruity"? He says "trust me" on this.

How can I trust you, Chris? How? I need to know why I can trust you!

I will concede to Chris that Teletubbies are moronic. Chris has promised to show this movie to his kids when he has them and no doubt impart all the lessons that the Care Bears teach us; I hope Chris doesn't breed.

Maybe I should email Chris and pose my questions to him directly?

Man, I just can't even make that shit up.