Thursday, November 10, 2005

Found my purpose

So there I was, reading the The Onion's AV CLUB and then it hit me -- my purpose. I, of course, realize that this is not when and where one generally finds their "purpose". In fact, asking if one even has a purpose is generally a rather existential question that is often followed by other


Dracula 2000's Gerard Butler saying "more with facial
expressions than some people do with words."

existential questions like "What is the nature of God?" and "Is there such a thing as true love?" These questions in turn are also generally inspired by or quickly followed by large quantities of alcohol -and then drunkenly telling your friends that you love them all. (We're not just talking me here people. I remember Mardi Gras quite clearly -- everyone is implicated, and then some).

So maybe what I'm saying is not that I've found my Purpose with a capital "P", but my little "p" purpose. So as I said, there I was reading the AV club and this week's feature called "The Underrated List"
discusses the best underrated guilty pleasure -- the Internet Movie Database (IMDB) message and comment board. The author says:

The Internet Movie Database's user comments and message boards represent the apogee of the Internet's democratic possibilities, offering a public forum for everyone with a computer and an irresistible need to express themselves on why Father Of The Bride Part II is the finest film ever made, and/or why it demands a sequel. With their tortured logic, horrific abuse of the English language and rampant misspellings, the site's interactive areas are like the entertainment section of the world's biggest, sloppiest college newspaper.

For those of you unfamiliar with IMDB, I pity you. Any movie bet can instantly be settled: was John Leguizamo in Baz Luhrman's "Romeo + Juliet"? I've actually had this argument – yes he's in it – thank god for IMDB or I would have had to rent this movie to prove it. And as addicted to IMDB as I am, I had never bothered with the user comments or the message board, until this article prompted me to check it out for myself. And good god, the author was right! Check out this gem of a posting under Father of the Bride (please note that I have not edited spelling, grammar, or punctuation):

I'm curious if there ever would be another sequel to this movie?I had an idea of a plot.Okay both of their anniversarys are coming up Annie 10 and her father and monther 30.And right before there anniversary they both get into fights with there spouses and they both might get divorce. So they bond extremely and try to find a way to get back with there spouses?

BRILLIANT! Why hasn't this sequel been made?

But is there more? Is this a fluke? So I rushed to the worst movies I could think of….how about "Dracula 2000"?

Just saw this last night and I agree that Gerry Butler's "walk" through the music store was simply "smoldering". No man should be allowed to be that handsome. It's been hard to concentrate on work today - I keep thinking about this movie and how Gerry saved it with his incredible acting. He can say more with a facial expression than some people can with words.

I had no idea that actors can say more with his facial expressions than some people can with words!


Smoldering? Seriously? This movie is filmed almost entirely in a Virgin Megastore – in New Orleans. The stupid heroine even sleeps in a Virgin t-shirt for God's sake. I think we know who paid for this movie. The fact that someone could actually be impressed by a vampire hunting down the heroine in the Virgin megastore where she spends 60 minutes of the 90 minute movie is really quite depressing. These are the people who think Jerry Bruckheimer is an auteur. Oh hell, they don't know what the word auteur even means. You know what would be awesome though? "Dracula 2005"

Did we even have a Virgin Megastore in New Orleans?

How about this beaut, taken from a 7 paragraph review of "The Notebook" (and a male reviewer might I add):

Meanwhile, in the story, Noah and Allie meet in one of the cutest scenes of the movie. He sees her at a carnival, and knows right away that he wants to be with her. He does not know quite why at first, and all he can say is that something inside of him is drawing him to her. He convinces her to give him a chance, and she eventually agrees to give him the date that he seeks. What progresses from there is a Summer romance that goes through all of the emotions that we all have experienced before. What makes it even more real, is that it is not played off as if every single moment is perfect between the two of them. It depicts that they do have fights, that they do have disagreements, but that they do have a love that is stronger than any of that. This is what made the romance real for me. Everyone knows, that in real life we can't have a relationship where everything works out perfectly, or where everyone agrees on everything.

So true! You tell 'em "Gamble1". You and your eighteen years.

So why should these dime store critics have all the fun? And that's when it came to me – they absolutely shouldn't. Someone needs to write about the post-apocalyptic symbolism to be found in "The Baby Sitter's Club: The Movie". Or how about the metaphysical imagery of "The Garbage Pail Kids Movie"? Or how about any movie that has "movie" in the title.

I think we all know who that someone is.

This then is my purpose: to give a person slumming on the internet a little extra guilty pleasure. That is a noble small "p" purpose if ever there were one.

And so, this shall be my very first posting for, "Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em: The Movie"


This movie is clearly about the epic, nay, cosmic struggle of good and evil, that films like "Full Metal Jacket" or "Apocalypse Now" can\'t even begin to address. Even though Hammer is a rapper, and generally that would be a bad thing, this film depicts him as the sword of justice fighting the evil drug dealers of Oakland with his "posse". Hammer plays dual roles in this film: one as himself (i.e. MC Hammer) and another as the Reverend Pressure who is known for his jaw dropping performances. This leitmotif is similar to the star turns of Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall in films like "Coming to America" where they play multiple characters – except that Hammer is clearly better. This film also has a really important message: say yes to Jesus and Hammer, no to drugs and violence. I cannot imagine a film that does a better job of capturing the essence of the nineties, except perhaps "Cool as Ice". Sadly, however, this film was overlooked by the Academy.


If you all would be so good as to help me think of other movies to review, especially movies that end with "the movie" that would be great.

For the record: I have seen The Babysitter's Club Movie, The Garbage Pail Kids Movie, Full Metal Jacket, Apocalypse Now, and Dracula 2000.
I have not seen The Notebook or Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em.
I would rather see Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em than The Notebook – John Cassavetes is probably turning over in his grave over that one.

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