Gone Fishin'

I'm sad to say that my semester has ended not with a bang but a whimper. I will now slink away to take a much deserved holiday break. Consequently, I'm afraid this will be my last post for a while since I will be away from speedy internet connections. Although I doubt there will be much weeping, I figured it would be best to have full disclosure.

Then again I may sneak off to some coffee shop that has free internet and post to my little heart's content telling you of my boring adventures. Like breakfast with my parents. Or lunch with my parents. There's also driving with my parents.

Oh god, help me.

It's even worse because it appears my sister, aka Anonymous, will not be able to come home from England for Christmas since her visa is all f*ed up. Screw you British Home Office. I hope you sit on a tack. A Christmas without sis is a sad Christmas indeed. Guess that purchase of Dance Dance Revolution is wasted.

But I'm trying to be positive and am grateful that I'm not going to have class for a few weeks. Yippy Skippy.

So let's get things in order shall we? To Tiny and Candy Girl -- Happy Birthday. Hope you all have a rockin' time.

To my friends who I'm not going to see and to all of my e-friends (if you're reading this, then that includes you): Happy Holidays. See you in 2007. 7's my lucky number so I think it's going to be a good year.

Alternately, I will turn thirty and take the bar ON MY BIRTHDAY, so it could really suck.

Anyway, don't forget about me -- check back in in early January.

Quote of the Week

EZ (reading the internets): We just legalized tatooing!


Laaw-yuhr: [blank and clueless facial expression]


EZ: Up 'til now it's been illegal to get tatoos in Oklahoma (where EZ is from).


Laaw-yuhr: So where did the white trash go for their tatoos?

EZ: Arkansas.

Middle English Destroyed My Spelling

I am talking about Middle English, not Middle Earth uber geeks. Middle English is similar in concept to Olde English, as in it's a form of English that pre-dates our modern English. Unless one is an expert, you pretty much can't read Old English. Middle English is more or less understandable, except that there's no standardized spelling.

So in undergrad I did this summer-at-Oxford thing where I studied Arthurian literature and we read all that crap in its original form (i.e. middle english), rather than prose "translations." Good god, that shit was painful.

When we went to write our papers (handwritten may I add) I noticed that I struggled far more with spelling than I had in quite some time. One day our professor mentioned "Have you noticed trouble with spelling yet?" We all responded "yes" in amazement and she remarked that "reading the old texts will really do that to you."

So what did I get out of that class other than a whole passel of useless knowledge about Aruthurian knights*? I got my spelling skills f-ed up, that's what.

*For Monty Python fans, you'll be pleased to know that there really is a story about Knights who say "Nih". And the story is goddamn senseless.

I used to be a good speller. I mean, in the 4th grade I was in the upper levels of the school spelling bee. That is until I realized that that shit was stressful and boring and I had to pee, so I threw a "q" in "scorpion" and called it a day.

But now I can't spell for shit. EZ is outlining for Constitutional Criminal Procedure using my notes and has just told me that I continually spell "counsel" wrong.

I spell it both "council" and "counsil"
I also spell "judgment" as "judgement"
and "procedure" as "proceedure"
and I often for get to distinguish between "priciple" and "principal"

See in middle English there's a whole bunch of extra vowels in words, not to mention they are rarely spelled the same way twice. And honestly, words just look naked to me now without an extra vowel or two. I sometimes try to put one too many "o's" in "thoose" as well.

Whatever. The point is I'm tired, I'm sick of studying the law, and I can't spell. This is what being an over educated geek gets you.

Kiss My Grits

According to SOME of you yesterday's post was really sub par. And by some of you I mean the commenter "Anonymous" who is, more likely than not, my sister.

Sis, I will punish you in due time with a little Dance Dance Revolution, or as the pros like to call it, DDR. But to my other loyal readers (all two of you) who may agree with Sis that yesterday was subpar, let me just say "I'm sorry" ok. SORRY.

Look, I haven't left my house since Tuesday. Tuesday! Today is Friday. I may or may not leave the house this evening to go print. I make no guarantees. It is law school exam time ok? Right now the mail and laundry excite me. I have waxed our wood floors. I have cleaned my closet and the kitchen.

While many of you might take such an opportunity to forgo bathing, let me assure you that I have taken a shower everyday. However, I have entered the disgusting zone by wearing the same pair of comfy yoga pants everyday. Look when you sit in a chair for like 14 hours a day those buttons and zipper flys start to chafe. You need the joyous combo that is cotton and elastic.

Also for some inexplicable reason I can only breathe through one of my nostrils. The other one acts like it's filled with cement despite the fact that nothing seems to be obstructing it, but numerous allergy/cold/cocaine remedies later I have given up. I could go to the health center but they'll either

a) slap me on antibiotics
b) give me some antihistamine cold medicine that will zonk me out
c) combo of a and b

And since it's exam time, I cannot be knocked out, nor do I have the 3+ hrs to sit in the waiting room. No left nostril, you will have to wait until I'm finished on Tuesday before I can make you function again.

All this to say that given the circumstance, the fact that Tom Waits and Jeffrey Wright are connected by both their birthdays and film seemed exciting to me. OK?!

Today's Fun Fact

Today is Musician Tom Wait's birthday. If you don't know who Tom Waits is, then you are dead to me.

Today is also Jeffrey Wright's birthday. I will give you a pass if you don't know who Jeffrey Wright is because he is an excellent but not very well known character actor, but if you've seen Casino Royale, he's the CIA agent who agrees to stake Bond in the second half of the game.

Anyway, here's the interesting cross over: Jeffrey Wright starred as the title character in Basquiat for which Tom Waits did a good portion of the sound track.

[insert twilight zone music]

I Went To The Pool and All I Got Was This Lousy Camel Toad

(Click on the image first and read the article. Trust me on this one.)

Well, since it's exam time, it's time to bring out the crazy. Fortunately, this was sent to me today courtesy of M.Babe. Reading this article reminded me of this book I read in high school where one of the characters would smoke pot while reading Reader's Digest to get in touch with middle America. I just love, love, love this article on so many levels, and feel like it has provided me a similar insight.

First of all there is the fact that this woman's paranoia is so extreme that she is actually reading something that belongs to her godson, not even her own child. Maybe those "The More You Know" ads are so effective that even non-parents are getting on the concern-for-kids bandwagon.

Secondly, I love that this woman immediately attributes a word she doesn't understand to drugs, rather than say a "newfangled video game", or the name of a water polo group, or even an actual toad that could conceivably be near water like a pool. No, her mind went directly to drugs.

Third, I love that when she couldn't find any reference to camel toads in a drug book, she latched onto what is more or less an urban legend of licking frogs to get high (Full disclosure -- this apparently works with certain species of frogs, but just licking random frogs does nothing other than single you out as an idiot).

I love that she wants to know if the authorities need to be involved to protect other innocent pool goers from the clutches of the vicious camel toad.

I also love the language employed by this letter. My favorite passage states:
"He is a good boy in middle school and his parents do not even drink. Please let me know what camel toads are and how I might be able to tell if he is smoking, taking, or licking them."

I love the implication that if his parents even drank, how much more likely this middle schooler would be to seek the thrill of the illicit camel toad. And that she asks in a series the signs for "smoking, taking, or licking" the camel toad. This godmother is thorough!

And lastly, there's the refreshing fact that this boy got busted because he was writing an actual letter -- not sending an email, text, or IM. And this got me thinking...do normal American boys actually sit down and write letters to their friends? Unless they're Amish or their parents have banned them from technology, then I'm going to say, for the most part "No." This insight in turn makes me think that this whole letter is a joke designed to entice an advice columnist to devote an entire entry to the camel toe. The equivalent of calling a bar and asking if there is a "Seymour Butts" in the joint.

And if that is in fact the case...well played Camel Toad, well played.